I
read recently in a book that yoga helps you to release your life story. Within our bodies, we hold tight to past
memories and these aches/pains/problems we encounter can be partly attributed
to our inability to release the memories.
For me, anger manifests itself into my right hip flexor—too tight and
inflexible. Sadness finds its way into
my lower back, wilted from past conflicts, unable to stand up straight. You get the picture. So when a friend invited me to a yoga class,
I joined her, eager to release some aches and pains and, more importantly, to
find an entrance to my own stories.
As
I breathed in deeply and focused on the various poses, I began to understand
what the author was saying about finding our story through yoga. I felt a physical release; much like the
“pluck” sound one hears when you open a vacuum-sealed jar of spaghetti
sauce. As I closed my eyes for the
restorative exercises, I kept seeing a recurring image of an eye. How curious—I wonder if this is some sign
that I will finally be able to see and understand the stories that I hold
within me.
I
am desperate to find a way to release my life story. I want to be a writer so badly, and yet I
find EVERY task or responsibility to complete before I will sit down and let
the words flow. Sort my son’s Lego
collection into color-coded bins? Sure,
that sounds like a great way to begin putting pen to paper. Plan my week’s grocery list, check out my
new favorite website, Pinterest, dust
the tops of my ceiling fans, talk with my girlfriends on the phone, watch the
latest The Middle episode (was the best Valentine’s Day episode truth
be told); these have all taken precedence over my writing.
Writing
is difficult. When you slow down and
start to let the stories come out, the emotions that encircled those times also
tag along. I am afraid to revisit the
stories that have made me who I am.
I
have been told that the negative times in your life will outweigh the positive
ones 11 to 1. This seems to be true
with my focus on my past as well. For
every amazing experience, like getting married or becoming a mother for the
first time, I find that the negative stories beat their gorilla chests and try
to overwhelm the positive memories. I
can imagine the conversation going like this:
“Oh yeah, positive memory, so she
became a mom, BUT, how about the time her dad disowned her or when she had
postpartum depression or when her best friend was mad at her? Try to top that!” And the negative memories assert their dominance. What are the top five negative memories
that hold the most weight?
o *Tumultuous relationship
with my biological father, filled with conditional love and estrangement
o *Recurring issues with my
choice to leave my career and stay at home with my three children
o *The challenge to make this
life seem meaningful and not ordinary
o *The struggles to balance
our spending and live within our means
o *My childhood feelings of
being outside the circle and not truly fitting in
This month, my stories will begin to emerge. I want to be intentional and get in touch with the negative memories and also empower the positive ones that sometimes get pushed back. This process ties into my desire for authentic living and real spirituality. Maybe this month's lessons won't be found in a church, but will be found here at home, sitting in front of the computer, letting my stories fill the pages. Should be interesting!
