One night for our bedtime story, I held up some picture cards and prompted my sons to make up a story including the pictures as part of the plot. One of the pictures was of a heart, and Ryan, our 5-year-old, created a story about a little black boy who went to school. This little boy was bullied and made fun of and ended up with a hole in his heart. The end. I sat there in the silence and thought about how sad this story was! My parent-mind started thinking, "Is my son getting bullied? Does he think African-American children are getting picked on? Is he sad in general?" Determined to lift the mood during bedtime story time, I began to tell a story about a little black boy who was shy at school but began to make friends at a weekend camp. Ryan interrupted me and asked, " Is your boy the same as my boy in my story?" I shook my head yes and he immediately responded, "Get your own black boy." He could use some coaching on his delivery, but his message was clear: don't change my story.
At first review, this was just an amusing moment for me with my son. As time has passed, I realize though that I have this tendency to want to make everything better. Little boy has a hole in his heart? Let me fix that and create a more positive story. I like for our life's narrative to be pleasant, uplifting, without conflict. Being positive, staying happy, getting along, and persevering have been more important than being genuine. No one could deny that positive traits are important to have, yet there has to be a balance. Rather than hiding or denying negative thoughts and unpleasant situations, I am learning that they are equally as important as the good moments in life. How unnerving! To actually appreciate and live in the moment of challenging and difficult times instead of rushing through them is an entirely different way for me to live, a more authentic way to live. As my husband's boss at his first job out of college always said, "Life is harsh and unyielding." This was such a sharp juxtaposition to the affirming words of our liberal arts college where the mantra was, " To know, to do, to dare- you can do anything!"
Sometimes life sucks. The water filter in the refrigerator bursts. My child gets strep over spring break. I gain three pounds and my jeans don't fit. My hip hurts after I run. I am getting wrinkles. I will never have enough time with my parents, sister, and nephew who live out-of-state. My husband's mom died when she was only 54. LIFE IS HARD!!
And, life is beautiful. After the filter broke, our insurance company paid for all new flooring in our kitchen. We stayed home over spring break and actually enjoyed the slower pace of just being in town with unscripted, lazy days for a week. I gained weight because I was blessed with food. My running pains are badges of courage that I give a damn to try and be healthy. Wrinkles are evidence of wisdom. When we do see our Ohio family, we make the absolute most of our time together and appreciate the heck out of one another. Sandy died way too young, but we learned at a very early time that life is fleeting and will change in a moment's notice so we have placed family and time with our kids as our number one priority over all else.
Authentic living means embracing authentic feelings and, as an extension, having real relationships. Some of our best friends are those with whom we can laugh and commiserate; our parent creed when life gets overwhelming? We smile, nod, and say, "we're living the dream folks, living the dream." Truly, we are. Assuredly, just as much as one day will be difficult, the next day will be amazing and they are both good days! I am no longer going to fast-forward through the crap. Sometimes you need the crap to appreciate everything else.
