Thursday, February 9, 2012

February 2012~ Yoga and my life story


I read recently in a book that yoga helps you to release your life story.   Within our bodies, we hold tight to past memories and these aches/pains/problems we encounter can be partly attributed to our inability to release the memories.   For me, anger manifests itself into my right hip flexor—too tight and inflexible.   Sadness finds its way into my lower back, wilted from past conflicts, unable to stand up straight.     You get the picture.   So when a friend invited me to a yoga class, I joined her, eager to release some aches and pains and, more importantly, to find an entrance to my own stories.

As I breathed in deeply and focused on the various poses, I began to understand what the author was saying about finding our story through yoga.  I felt a physical release; much like the “pluck” sound one hears when you open a vacuum-sealed jar of spaghetti sauce.    As I closed my eyes for the restorative exercises, I kept seeing a recurring image of an eye.   How curious—I wonder if this is some sign that I will finally be able to see and understand the stories that I hold within me.

I am desperate to find a way to release my life story.   I want to be a writer so badly, and yet I find EVERY task or responsibility to complete before I will sit down and let the words flow.   Sort my son’s Lego collection into color-coded bins?  Sure, that sounds like a great way to begin putting pen to paper.    Plan my week’s grocery list, check out my new favorite website, Pinterest, dust the tops of my ceiling fans, talk with my girlfriends on the phone, watch the latest The Middle episode  (was the best Valentine’s Day episode truth be told); these have all taken precedence over my writing.

Writing is difficult.   When you slow down and start to let the stories come out, the emotions that encircled those times also tag along.    I am afraid to revisit the stories that have made me who I am.

I have been told that the negative times in your life will outweigh the positive ones 11 to 1.    This seems to be true with my focus on my past as well.   For every amazing experience, like getting married or becoming a mother for the first time, I find that the negative stories beat their gorilla chests and try to overwhelm the positive memories.  I can imagine the conversation going like this:  Oh yeah, positive memory, so she became a mom, BUT, how about the time her dad disowned her or when she had postpartum depression or when her best friend was mad at her?   Try to top that!”  And the negative memories assert their dominance.        What are the top five negative memories that hold the most weight?

o  *Tumultuous relationship with my biological father, filled with conditional love and estrangement

o  *Recurring issues with my choice to leave my career and stay at home with my three children

o  *The challenge to make this life seem meaningful and not ordinary

o  *The struggles to balance our spending and live within our means

o  *My childhood feelings of being outside the circle and not truly fitting in

        This month, my stories will begin to emerge.   I want to be intentional and get in touch with the negative memories and also empower the positive ones that sometimes get pushed back.   This process ties into my desire for authentic living and real spirituality.   Maybe this month's lessons won't be found in a church, but will be found here at home, sitting in front of the computer, letting my stories fill the pages.     Should be interesting!